Elusive Pretzels

Another bank holiday Monday, another day of carnage on the roads of North Yorkshire as millions of non-people return home after "making a holiday" with their compressed cardbord pig trailer. It took a full hour to get to York today (usually it only takes about 15 with a tail wind and a few bevvies inside me). Sad thing is, caravans are so easy to destroy - I have no idea why they make it illegal, because it would only take a minute and there are no health and safety issues (to humans) and it would be good stress relief (and help prevent the spread of swine flu as well). Plus caravans only cost about £1.50 to make, it's not our fault that these wankers allow themselves to get duped into paying over the odds for them. And bikers too. Bikers take full advantage of the fact that normal people are forced into going too slowly to kill them by the fucking plebite caravanists, then creep up and scare the shit out of you with their unreasonably loud engines.

Irrational

All this irrational rage meant that I didn't have the relevant equipment to take a photo of the pretzel. goddamnit. Anyway, back to drawing.

laters...

LAZY GIT

This week blogs have slowed down a bit for a while - fence panels are on their way, so it's a mad fucking scramble to do shit before we finally board ourselves in for good, I am also on with some drawing, so don't take offence or nothing but fuck off I'm busy. come back next Tuesday. (I might even try to flog these ones...) I haven't managed to capture the image of the pretzel for critical appraisal yet, nor have I even found out any info on what the fuck it might be, so more on that possibly on Tues...

laters,

I-B

Patriotism

BEERS

Yesterday was St. George's Day - The day to bask in the despicable glory that was our "great" colonial past, kid yourselves that you are English and therefore worthwhile whilst masturbating vigorously to the sound of morris dancing (Paedophiles dressing up as cunts with bells on their ankles dancing around banging sticks together), before shaving your head and beating up non-Aryans. Or not. But lo! Is this not the sort of thinking that has left us 1 party day short a year? Why should we let morris dancers destroy our national credibility? And why should the Irish get all the fun? Do you not want a piece of that action?

DELUSIONAL

I want to reclaim St. George's Day as a celebration for reasonable people who don't dress up as twats and don't go round levering ethnic minorities. Why not, we  do still have a fuck of a lot to be proud of as a nation (interesting ways to eat offal, inventing cricket and then being generous enough to let everyone else win) yet not many of us even remember what day St. Georges day is on. I like the fact that St. George is clearly a figment of somebody's imagination, a really cool myth that is obviously a myth. He sets us apart from all the other countries with their boring martyrs who died for their beliefs. Celebrating delusional cunts just seems silly to me. So have a bevvy on St. George this weekend, just celebrate a non dubious bit of Englishness whilst you do. 

HALF ARSED

All of this ties in nicely with the latest bit of shite public art to get the Bane treatment... Yes, it's that (world famous) bit of "Peace Fencing" in West Belfast that is being used to advertise loyalist pride in their identity, with pictures of Lord Carson, The original UVF and plenty of Orangemen (surely just a continuation of the morris dancer theme).

NASTY

Basically, now that the Northern Irish seem to be managing to keep hatred down to the bare maximum, to celebrate we have some murals that are stuck to a really nasty looking peace wall, designed to try to refocus Unionist pride in a non violent way. Despite these efforts, I think the best thing on that wall is graffiti: "Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity". But at least it brightens the wall up, if not promoting a bit of unity. I'm still not sure why the Irish hate each other, when it's all the fault of Henry II... 

Anyway... My version would look like this.

Tunes coming later...

I-B

SACK JENNIE BOND

...from the Great British Menu. Get Clarkson in.

It's Monday - TIME TO GET BACK TO WORK

...Because the wife looks to be entering the fray with her slave driver hat on determined to sort these last few fence posts out. This has been a lot harder than you would have thought, mainly because of the proximity to the great big fuck off sycamore tree with roots thicker than my head. The Mrs looked up how to destroy roots whilst saving the tree last night, claiming it was important and that we must create a clean cut, leave no messy damaged bits etc. Make sure that we don't damage more than a fifth of the root mass (btw whoever's website she was looking at - how can you tell? Its fucking buried). Anyway true to form, the Bane has been attacking the fucker with a large spike, getting the large spike firmly lodged in the tree root, then having to spend an entire day trying to get the spike out again.

DOGS

At one stage we had me, the wife, several passers by and their dogs gathered on the pavement gesticulating wildly and discussing the best way to proceed, whilst my (extremely resourceful but knackered out after a rugby tour) neighbour got all of his power tools out and just got on with it. Eventually, after many hours of precision tree surgery (not) the spike came out. We are left with a total mess of a root, an unhappy wife and possibly a dead tree (not really tree huggers - I will fix it, just don't lynch me).

SHITTEST

Being outside a lot over the school holidays has meant having to endure endless groups of preteen kids walking past. This would not be a problem except for the fact that without fail they are always playing the shittest of shit music (also not a problem - I disagree with their music, but that is entirely up to them...) from their mobile phones.

DETENTION CENTRE

An entire generation of kids growing up decimating music and totally missing out on the point by not listening to half of the track??? I think we need to round up these oiks and place them in a specialist detention centre where their heads are tied to bass bins blaring out some intense dubstep until they get the message. Ask any kid about bass these days and they think you are some sad old grandad. It really does make me feel depressed about the future of the world.

Laters,

The I-B

Happy Weekend, Web Tourists

The Ashes poll has been a raging success, and has given me an insight into how many millions of people come and visit the blog every week. So, in light of my findings (and without further ado) I'd like to thank you both for your time and patience.

The weekend so far has been an orgy of exciting happenings... mostly fence post related, I managed to crack a rib, which is the shittest injury ever because (basically my wife thinks I'm a fucking loser) ie essentially I'm fine but moaning a lot and can still do most jobs. Yesterday I made the mistake of staying at home to dig holes whilst the wife and kids went off to Dalby Forest to climb stuff and get dizzy on the spinny thing. The spinny thing is possibly the greatest feat of engineering ever, by the way, it spins you round really quickly until you fall off, break your skull and throw up simultaneously. And this is fine, because we live in Yorkshire, where folk are hard and Health & Safety laws don't apply...

 

WANKER

The Great British Menu competition is hotting up good and proper now. The Geordie boys this week were possibly the best yet, with Ian (a gargantuan pie eating meat head with a highly unexpected and immense culinary knowledge) narrowly losing out to Kenny, the short ginger one. We loved them both. Meanwhile the mentorship of "it's not Sat Baines it's the gay one" has been replaced by Marcus Wareing, "it's the wanker who knows his shit". In fairness to Marcus, he was entering into the spirit of things and he is obviously in a different gastronomic league.

TWAT

Meanwhile the media are still going crazy over police brutality and shit like that. I am always up for giving the police a hard time if they step out of line, and I don't think that stuff like this should go unchecked but bloody hell, if you can't twat a hippy from time to time then what is the point in living, frankly. You really do need to make sure that it is actually a hippy you are twatting though. It sickens me to the core when the cops kill an innocent and the book should be thrown in those situations. 

PRETZEL

Next week you all can look forward to a frenzy of content. I will be sharing the Bane guide to erecting fence posts, as well as a critical appraisal of the A170 pretzel. And any other stuff I can think of. Meanwhile, here are this weekend's tunes:

1. Sigma - All Blue

2. Spor - Silver Spaceman

3. Massive Attack - I against I

4. Logistics - Toy Town

5. Dead Prez - Hip Hop

6. Fleetwood Mac - The Chain (because it's still good)

Damn Protestors

FAULT

The latest video of a woman being slapped and beaten by the cops is bloody vexing. For starters, everybody knows about the police and what is likely to happen when you wind them up. It's a sad fact of life, but there will always be a certain percentage of wanker cops. Secondly, street protests are totally ineffective and nobody takes them seriously because of occasions like this where the people taking part are indoctrinated with someone else's bile and are just angry for the sake of it. There are far more effective, clever and useful ways to protest than gathering and shouting. Lets be fair, it's just annoying for everyone else, and means that if reasonable people want to protest in a reasonable manner, they can't because the law now has a preconceived idea that people are just looking to get them in trouble. 

If it wasn't for the protesters, the newspaper vendor wouldn't have been caught up in the midst of it, unbothered and would have just been able to walk home. What the police did seemed to be wholly unreasonable and quite frankly wrong and that is where you have to pin the blame, but the protesters also need to acknowledge their part in the death of an innocent man.  

DOCILE

As for the woman, whilst violence is never appropriate, and especially not from a copper in that situation, if you shout in a persons face there is a good chance that the person will retaliate in some way. She is very lucky to have managed to pick a total psycho to wind up and get sacked, which was what she was quite clearly looking to do, but people do have to take responsibility for their own actions and until we do that - ALL of us, especially the G20 weasels, then the world will continue on a downward trajectory.

WIDE

I think that people should keep as wide a berth of the police as possible, and anyone not doing that has to accept what might happen.

CHEERFUL

On a more cheery note, it has been brought to my attention that the Henry Moore Institute are going to run an exhibition of public art that never made it. I am looking forward to this...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/artanddesign/2009/apr/14/public-art-serpentine-henry-moore-institute

have fun... and stay away from those rozzers...

the I-B